I might be doing something and expect her to walk into my presence. Then I remember she is not coming. I may be at the sink and look through the viewing window to the easy chair and she is not in it I may be sitting in the easy chair and she does not come down the hall to join me as she has done so many times. I lay in bed and my arm reaches over cautiously so as not to wake her then I remember no one is there. I am watching TV then remember I do not have to go to bed as she is not in it expecting me. My mind constantly jumps to wondering how I can manage to find a way to be with her all the time. I get back to reality Immediately and remember it is impossible but that does not keep me from continually thinking about it. In the morning I wake from a deep sleep, look over to her side of the bed then remember she is not there. I get up go to the kitchen and put dishes into the dishwasher. Set the coffee then start back into the bedroom then remember I don't have to be quiet as she is not there.
Tom reports by email that she is having some problems accepting her situation. That is unsettling. Up to a few hours ago I managed to keep my emotions in control. I am busy removing the pictures from the walls. That keeps my mind off that she is gone but most are of her so that has limited value. When she left I took the little sterling silver heart and hung it on one of the kitchen cabinet doors because I don't want to lose it It was given to her by her Grandma Brown when she was 6 months old. I will have to give it to one of the grandchildren to wear. Kay has worn it so much the heart shows considerable wear. Every time I think of her which is constantly my stomach is in knots. Especially if I may be resting. I wonder how she is handling it. Tomorrow I will visit her. I purposely stay up late to be tired when I go to bed so I will be fairly sure I will go to sleep. I still may put some DVD in the player and play it for a while. Still when I walk into the bedroom my mind tells me "She is not here." I should not have to think of it. I stayed up to be tired to not have to think about her.but there is no getting over it. I know it I have stayed up to sleep in spite of her absence. But it still comes into my mind when I walk into the room. Everywhere I go Kay is with me. I don't think I am unique in this. Probably everyone who goes through this has the same thoughts and emotions.
How do I feel? Lonely. I visited Kay today. Saturday.
We went to visit Kay today and take care of some things that need to be taken care of. Peggy wanted to decorate her space. She is in a room with another woman. I did not see the lady. After Peg decorated the room they went to a mall to get some things while I stayed with Kay. We had no TV so there was to do as Kay is unable to have a two way conversation. We lay on the bed and rested. At 12 they were to give us lunch me included. After Tom and Peg returned we left. Tom seemed to express some emotion I never heard before. He has controlled himself quite well. It may be having a big impact on him.
Some people are under the impression that when you get forced into one of these facilities that all you have to do for your mind is keep busy Playing games with other people. You therefore forget everything in the past. You are not lonely or want to be back where you are familiar. Of course that is nonsense. I remember when as a boy and taken from the family the loneliness was overbearing. Of course that is how it is here. I think Kay may cope by not having enough mind left to have those kinds of thoughts. She kept telling me that she loved me so much. I may get a chance to see her tomorrow if Robin can take me when he comes down to pick up Jason, Mary's boy at the airport. As the afternoon wore on I kept getting more lonely and missing her. The real underlying cause is that I wonder what she is thinking. If she is lonely like me that would make me feel real bad. But I don't know. Not much of a future. Her family should do what they can to break the monotony and visit her as much as possible. But she is way off and it is difficult to drive an hour each way to visit. I can get there in half an hour when someone takes me. It is self serving to say that having her in contact with others can substitute for family contact. I also worry that as she adjusts she also begins to forget who we are. One thing that concerns me greatly is not the amount of time they put on her. People in her condition need special attential to their personal needs. Constipation is common I am sure. The smell of Depends are there. How well they take care of these people is a big concern of mine. Do they replace their once a day. Like when they give them a bath? What if they have an accident later in the day. Do they stay in that condition until next day? This concerns me.
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